Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Struggling

This has been a tough week.

Things were going better. My students were beginning to work independently, I was able to meet with small groups for guided reading. I don't know what shifted, but something is different. It might be me; I don't even know anymore.

I spent yesterday afternoon sobbing in the guidance counselor's office. I think I just reached the end of my patience, the end of what felt like hope. I got worn out from the kids acting like I was an annoyance that got in the way of their fun.

A good cry can really help. After Maren and Chris, the counselor, told me what I really needed to hear (that I am a good teacher) and then got all that frustration out with the tears, I was able to look more clearly at my class than I have been able to. I was able to look at myself more honestly than I have been able to.

What I had to rethink, very deliberately, was:
  • placement
  • transitions
  • choice
  • distractions

I am desperate enough to move away from some of my fundamental beliefs. Here's what changed:
  • Seating was planned to be deliberately balanced at tables; students that can not work in a group setting were moved to quiet places within our working space.
  • Table supplies were streamlined and consolidated. Everything the students need are at hand, eliminating the need for helpers to fetch crayons or markers.
  • Water bottles were sent home - they were proving to be too distracting. Despite deliberate teaching and retraining often on bottles, spills were too frequent and upsetting. Less hydration means less bathroom breaks, a good thing when the kids can't use the restrooms unattended.
  • Decluttering; the cleaner the lines the less visual distractions. Things were put into cupboards or out of view.
  • The bunnies are getting fostered by a 5th grade classroom.
  • Daily 5 choice was removed. I will now instruct the students what they will be doing during this time, and most of it will be whole-group work. It kills me to take choice away from them; we just can't afford the time this demanded.

These were major restructures. Ideals I had worked hard to put into place over the last 4 years had to be dismissed so that I could teach my students. I feel like I have stripped down a complicated mechanism so that the bones are finally visible.

I am so weary, and so wary. Nothing about teaching feels right this year.

1 comment:

  1. It sounds like you have done quite a bit of reflection and made the adjustments that you felt were necessary for your students to succeed. You ARE a good teacher...good teachers reflect on their practice and constantly change/add/delete things as needed to be effective. Perhaps in another few months you will see that some things can be put back in place.

    Each class is different - each year is different. There will be times that you will feel weary and wary, but know that that can and will change and you will feel hopeful and happy.

    ReplyDelete